emo

*****

I decided to post this draft. I wrote it down, so it doesn't make sense not to post it. I wrote this down in February.

*****

I feel lost. I'm daydreaming - no, nightmaring all the time, even while driving. I don't know how to get rid of this stale depression, left over from two years of self pity and longing for something I can't put a name to. Won't put a name to. I hope writing this down will help me vent lest I break something I can't replace.

I visited my mother today, to try and keep my mind off of things I don't want on my mind. To take comfort in the fact that I'm at the one place in the entire world I could do anything I wanted and I would still be accepted. I wanted to run into my mother's arms and cry for hours, but I knew in the end I would have just transferred all of my depression to her.

And I just can't do that to her.

Trying to be consoled by the one person I know is hurt more deeply than me seems like the most horrible thing in the world. I'm sure my boyfriend's noticed, since I keep snapping at him. My "religion" forbids excessive mourning, as it shows you "cannot accept God's decision," and the lesson was burned into me since I turned 7. In fact, I was taught that "each tear you cry will torture the deceased in his grave." I cried more when I got my first C in middle school than when my father died, too terrified to risk the stories being true.

I lost that outlet and can only find it when I'm too drunk to care I'm not supposed to cry.


And I am putting all the greasy-haired, raccoon-eyed 14 yr olds to shame with all this emo right now. giivvvvee meeee raaazzooorrrr

... okay, that probably wasn't funny considering the context right now.

Valentine's Day

I had a good time this year. Not only was I able to avoid going to work (I heard take-away was slammed again and didn't have anything to show for it), but I also woke up to find post-it notes on my wall, directing me to my valentine's day gift. I woke up to a scavenger hunt, planned by the bf. haha Cheesy, but still really thoughtful. I was cheesin' like shit. I got a first-aid kit, which was also really cute since I had mentioned one day that I really wanted one (....ya know, just to have).

I feel like the number of people with a vendetta against V-day is growing. With reasons like "the real Saint Valentine was a douche" or "you should celebrate love everyday, not just one day a year," I can't help but think the cynicism is really just coming from being lonely on V-day. I can maybe understand not liking the commercial aspect of it or not, since I love to shop, but it isn't nearly as commercial as Halloween or Christmas, and nobody really seems to complain about those holidays (besides traffic).

But I can agree with not limiting small gifts to just one day a year. And actually, I think the most thoughtful gifts are the ones that don't cost a lot of money. You could make anything romantic. Really, watch Knocked Up. As much of a deadbeat that Ben fellow was, he had a heart of gold.

In Japan (and apparently Korea), the Valentine's Day tradition entails women giving chocolates to the men they like or admire. If the guy accepts, he admits to liking the girl as well, so rejection is actually possible. You can reject a V-day gift (mean!). And one month later, White Day is where men return the favor, and give chocolates to the girls they like (or the girl that gave him chocolate on V-day?). I think the idea is cute, but the practice just looks like a nightmare. It would make the holidays wayyyy too stressful (not to mention expensive).

In South Korea, a month after White Day, Black Day is a day where all the men who didn't receive chocolates on V-day get together, cry and eat Jajangmyeon. I burst out laughing the first time I heard that, but that could actually be really fun. I also wonder if there's a Black Day for women? I guess not, since they seem to start the cycle of chocolate giving and receiving. ... and rejecting?