fml.

mom's getting a colonoscopy today, following another visit to the hospital. the lining in her stomach has swelled...

...i really hope it's just gas.

i'm kind of freaking out.

emo

*****

I decided to post this draft. I wrote it down, so it doesn't make sense not to post it. I wrote this down in February.

*****

I feel lost. I'm daydreaming - no, nightmaring all the time, even while driving. I don't know how to get rid of this stale depression, left over from two years of self pity and longing for something I can't put a name to. Won't put a name to. I hope writing this down will help me vent lest I break something I can't replace.

I visited my mother today, to try and keep my mind off of things I don't want on my mind. To take comfort in the fact that I'm at the one place in the entire world I could do anything I wanted and I would still be accepted. I wanted to run into my mother's arms and cry for hours, but I knew in the end I would have just transferred all of my depression to her.

And I just can't do that to her.

Trying to be consoled by the one person I know is hurt more deeply than me seems like the most horrible thing in the world. I'm sure my boyfriend's noticed, since I keep snapping at him. My "religion" forbids excessive mourning, as it shows you "cannot accept God's decision," and the lesson was burned into me since I turned 7. In fact, I was taught that "each tear you cry will torture the deceased in his grave." I cried more when I got my first C in middle school than when my father died, too terrified to risk the stories being true.

I lost that outlet and can only find it when I'm too drunk to care I'm not supposed to cry.


And I am putting all the greasy-haired, raccoon-eyed 14 yr olds to shame with all this emo right now. giivvvvee meeee raaazzooorrrr

... okay, that probably wasn't funny considering the context right now.

my heart hurts. i feel like i'm going to throw up.

update

Lately, I've been getting this feeling that I've lost something but have absolutely no idea what it is. That nagging, frustrating feeling that you *know* you should've done something, but you just can't remember what. And for some reason, every time I get that weird feeling, I go shopping.

I don't really understand it, but after looking back at all the purchases I've made this past week alone, I'm starting to think that I might have some sort of ...problem. And I hesitate to say it because it might just be a classic case of dealing with stress through retail therapy.... but am I really stressed? I have no reason to be. I guess I have been snapping a lot more recently... So do I really have a problem? Or has mass marketing and lace and shoes won my life? looks like it


In other news, I went to the eye doctor yesterday day. It was the second time I was told my optic nerve was strange-looking, which would put me at a higher risk for developing glaucoma. Which is actually pretty terrifying. Statistics show that not only are African-Americans at a higher risk of developing the disease, but so are women. I'm a black woman with a history of glaucoma in my family.

What is glaucoma? Well, I used to be a science major for a reason -- I am a nerd, and love reading about diseases and shit. I just don't care enough about people to wanna cure them. ...and fuck orgo.

Pretty much, glaucoma is a disease that damages your optic nerve, which usually leads to blindness. The nerve damage comes from increased intraocular pressure in the anterior chamber angle, generated from the production and drainage of aqueous humour fluids through the trabecular meshwork. In open-angle glaucoma, attributed with slower, more gradual vision loss, there's a slow build up of the fluid in the anterior chamber angle, caused by some blockage in Schlemm's canal, resulting in increased intraocular pressure. This is what I probably have.

Currently, there are only ways to stop the progression of vision loss - medications (if caught early), and surgery.

/nerdrant

Anywho, I bought new glasses. They're so hideous, I love them. Pics next post.