emo

*****

I decided to post this draft. I wrote it down, so it doesn't make sense not to post it. I wrote this down in February.

*****

I feel lost. I'm daydreaming - no, nightmaring all the time, even while driving. I don't know how to get rid of this stale depression, left over from two years of self pity and longing for something I can't put a name to. Won't put a name to. I hope writing this down will help me vent lest I break something I can't replace.

I visited my mother today, to try and keep my mind off of things I don't want on my mind. To take comfort in the fact that I'm at the one place in the entire world I could do anything I wanted and I would still be accepted. I wanted to run into my mother's arms and cry for hours, but I knew in the end I would have just transferred all of my depression to her.

And I just can't do that to her.

Trying to be consoled by the one person I know is hurt more deeply than me seems like the most horrible thing in the world. I'm sure my boyfriend's noticed, since I keep snapping at him. My "religion" forbids excessive mourning, as it shows you "cannot accept God's decision," and the lesson was burned into me since I turned 7. In fact, I was taught that "each tear you cry will torture the deceased in his grave." I cried more when I got my first C in middle school than when my father died, too terrified to risk the stories being true.

I lost that outlet and can only find it when I'm too drunk to care I'm not supposed to cry.


And I am putting all the greasy-haired, raccoon-eyed 14 yr olds to shame with all this emo right now. giivvvvee meeee raaazzooorrrr

... okay, that probably wasn't funny considering the context right now.