emo

*****

I decided to post this draft. I wrote it down, so it doesn't make sense not to post it. I wrote this down in February.

*****

I feel lost. I'm daydreaming - no, nightmaring all the time, even while driving. I don't know how to get rid of this stale depression, left over from two years of self pity and longing for something I can't put a name to. Won't put a name to. I hope writing this down will help me vent lest I break something I can't replace.

I visited my mother today, to try and keep my mind off of things I don't want on my mind. To take comfort in the fact that I'm at the one place in the entire world I could do anything I wanted and I would still be accepted. I wanted to run into my mother's arms and cry for hours, but I knew in the end I would have just transferred all of my depression to her.

And I just can't do that to her.

Trying to be consoled by the one person I know is hurt more deeply than me seems like the most horrible thing in the world. I'm sure my boyfriend's noticed, since I keep snapping at him. My "religion" forbids excessive mourning, as it shows you "cannot accept God's decision," and the lesson was burned into me since I turned 7. In fact, I was taught that "each tear you cry will torture the deceased in his grave." I cried more when I got my first C in middle school than when my father died, too terrified to risk the stories being true.

I lost that outlet and can only find it when I'm too drunk to care I'm not supposed to cry.


And I am putting all the greasy-haired, raccoon-eyed 14 yr olds to shame with all this emo right now. giivvvvee meeee raaazzooorrrr

... okay, that probably wasn't funny considering the context right now.

Valentine's Day

I had a good time this year. Not only was I able to avoid going to work (I heard take-away was slammed again and didn't have anything to show for it), but I also woke up to find post-it notes on my wall, directing me to my valentine's day gift. I woke up to a scavenger hunt, planned by the bf. haha Cheesy, but still really thoughtful. I was cheesin' like shit. I got a first-aid kit, which was also really cute since I had mentioned one day that I really wanted one (....ya know, just to have).

I feel like the number of people with a vendetta against V-day is growing. With reasons like "the real Saint Valentine was a douche" or "you should celebrate love everyday, not just one day a year," I can't help but think the cynicism is really just coming from being lonely on V-day. I can maybe understand not liking the commercial aspect of it or not, since I love to shop, but it isn't nearly as commercial as Halloween or Christmas, and nobody really seems to complain about those holidays (besides traffic).

But I can agree with not limiting small gifts to just one day a year. And actually, I think the most thoughtful gifts are the ones that don't cost a lot of money. You could make anything romantic. Really, watch Knocked Up. As much of a deadbeat that Ben fellow was, he had a heart of gold.

In Japan (and apparently Korea), the Valentine's Day tradition entails women giving chocolates to the men they like or admire. If the guy accepts, he admits to liking the girl as well, so rejection is actually possible. You can reject a V-day gift (mean!). And one month later, White Day is where men return the favor, and give chocolates to the girls they like (or the girl that gave him chocolate on V-day?). I think the idea is cute, but the practice just looks like a nightmare. It would make the holidays wayyyy too stressful (not to mention expensive).

In South Korea, a month after White Day, Black Day is a day where all the men who didn't receive chocolates on V-day get together, cry and eat Jajangmyeon. I burst out laughing the first time I heard that, but that could actually be really fun. I also wonder if there's a Black Day for women? I guess not, since they seem to start the cycle of chocolate giving and receiving. ... and rejecting?

/emo

Or at least the /wristtiemz part.

School's keeping me busy. I cut work hours for the semester, so I'll be going from broke to even more broke.

I really miss my high school friends. It's been too long since I've seen them, and even longer since we've hung out together. =[ This is probably my fault for disappearing, "nesting" even, but I'm determined to change that!! I don't wanna feel like I replaced all my high school friends with college.

my heart hurts. i feel like i'm going to throw up.

update

Lately, I've been getting this feeling that I've lost something but have absolutely no idea what it is. That nagging, frustrating feeling that you *know* you should've done something, but you just can't remember what. And for some reason, every time I get that weird feeling, I go shopping.

I don't really understand it, but after looking back at all the purchases I've made this past week alone, I'm starting to think that I might have some sort of ...problem. And I hesitate to say it because it might just be a classic case of dealing with stress through retail therapy.... but am I really stressed? I have no reason to be. I guess I have been snapping a lot more recently... So do I really have a problem? Or has mass marketing and lace and shoes won my life? looks like it


In other news, I went to the eye doctor yesterday day. It was the second time I was told my optic nerve was strange-looking, which would put me at a higher risk for developing glaucoma. Which is actually pretty terrifying. Statistics show that not only are African-Americans at a higher risk of developing the disease, but so are women. I'm a black woman with a history of glaucoma in my family.

What is glaucoma? Well, I used to be a science major for a reason -- I am a nerd, and love reading about diseases and shit. I just don't care enough about people to wanna cure them. ...and fuck orgo.

Pretty much, glaucoma is a disease that damages your optic nerve, which usually leads to blindness. The nerve damage comes from increased intraocular pressure in the anterior chamber angle, generated from the production and drainage of aqueous humour fluids through the trabecular meshwork. In open-angle glaucoma, attributed with slower, more gradual vision loss, there's a slow build up of the fluid in the anterior chamber angle, caused by some blockage in Schlemm's canal, resulting in increased intraocular pressure. This is what I probably have.

Currently, there are only ways to stop the progression of vision loss - medications (if caught early), and surgery.

/nerdrant

Anywho, I bought new glasses. They're so hideous, I love them. Pics next post.

Doctors. Fuck 'em.

Hospital visit:
Chest infection, bronchitis.
Only mom knows best.

It seems the only thing that can cure any of my illnesses is my mom's home remedies. I went to the hospital a few days ago, and was diagnosed with bronchitis (again) and a chest infection. They gave me four different prescriptions, including an inhaler (wtf?) and a note excusing me from work for two days. I took the drugs as instructed for two days, but so far my only result has been throwing up at a Pho place in Germantown. Twice.

So I got dropped off at my mama's. I've only been home for about 12 hours, and I've already stopped coughing, regained a bit of my appetite, and have completely stopped wheezing. All she did was force this goopy..porridge thing down my throat, and demand I swallow a teaspoon of "habat al soda," a rather suspicious looking black powder. Some sort of crushed seed, I'm sure. Or at least I don't *think* I swallowed a teaspoonful of coal...

Anyway, that stuff did wonders. I still haven't fully regained my appetite, and the only thing I really feel safe eating is the porridge stuff and Gatorade (is it in you? there's about 3 liters in me), but I still feel muuuch better than I did last night.

I feel like I could recover fully with my mom's methods, but she's still making me take the antibiotics and Tussionex (super sleep-inducing cough medicine).

In other news, I went a little crazy with my purchases last week. I managed to blow about $400 in just a few days. x___x;

SO to prevent any future sprees, I'm opening a new savings account and transferring all funds minus rent and food to it. I'm a lot more responsible with money when I have less on my hands to deal with.

That's actually not a bad new year's resolution:

• I will be more responsible with my money.

And, because I have to:

• I will take better care of my body.

No more late night drinking, no more days full of junk food... More vitamins, more vegetables, more fruit, more exercise. D: (.... = less weight?)

K. The tussionex is kicking in. I was going to try and go back to my house sometime in the next hour, but I guess that'll have to wait until I wake up. goodnight!

i hate the world today

that's all.