update

*Just to note* -- cut off all hair on 4/09/2010.

Been feeling like my relationship has hit a serious wall. In the time we've lived together, my boyfriend and I grew too comfortable with each other. Further, little annoyances that I would've once been able to brush off have ended up becoming problems that have actually threatened our relationship. I kicked him out the other day after another little fight about him not respecting my wishes while using my laptop, and that ended up into a serious fight the next morning about staying in the relationship.

I told him that I needed space, especially since finals were quickly approaching, and he took that to mean I wanted to break up with him for three weeks (which is absurd).

Our dilemma drove me to start looking up intimacy problems on the internet. Lame, yes. I already know that the internet is not an incredibly viable source of information when it comes to relationships, but I did learn a few things that I didn't know before.

What intimacy means to me is not what intimacy means to my boyfriend, and this has become apparent in the months we've lived together.

To me, intimacy is closeness is heart, then body. I want a boyfriend I can talk to, someone who'll laugh with me, offer support when I need it, really, just be there when I really need someone. I want that person to make me feel beautiful, to forgive my lack of personality, to be able to argue with me peaceably. I want someone who I can also offer those things to. The closer I feel to that person, the more I'd wanna be with that person.

To him, intimacy is closeness in body, then heart -- or at least that's what the internet has been telling me. Physical intimacy alone is not enough, but has a different meaning to men than to women. There's never really been a time where I've been ready for sex and he wasn't, whereas there have been plenty of times where I've refused him. According to the internet, this is like "a slap to the face." And here's the dilemma. The more I refuse him, the less he tries to romance me. And the less he romances me, the more I want to refuse him.

So. How does one go about telling an immature boyfriend about these things? Or rather, do I need to change myself first?

..I think I'll do that.

take me away....from Take-Away

In October, I applied for a server position at the Outback Steakhouse, but was denied because I had no actual serving experience. Instead, I was offered a position as a To-Go employee, at the Outback's curbside take-away with the promise of being promoted to server in no less than 4 months.

Upon reaching month 8 with no sign of any promotion coming my way, I've come to the conclusion that the owner is full of shit and doesn't want to lose his "outstanding take-away team."

So, I have decided to apply as a server one more time, with the stipulation that if he refuses, I hand him my two-week notice.

Guess I should start applying to new jobs...

僕が甘い味のshishaを鋤いてコーヒーを飲みながら試験をとるというの人です．

I'm kind of bad with caring about take home exams....

tokidoki

" '...And yet I think my love more rare than any She belied with false compare.' I am yet your faithful fool. I love you past words."

I want to spoil you. <3

fml.

mom's getting a colonoscopy today, following another visit to the hospital. the lining in her stomach has swelled...

...i really hope it's just gas.

i'm kind of freaking out.

emo

*****

I decided to post this draft. I wrote it down, so it doesn't make sense not to post it. I wrote this down in February.

*****

I feel lost. I'm daydreaming - no, nightmaring all the time, even while driving. I don't know how to get rid of this stale depression, left over from two years of self pity and longing for something I can't put a name to. Won't put a name to. I hope writing this down will help me vent lest I break something I can't replace.

I visited my mother today, to try and keep my mind off of things I don't want on my mind. To take comfort in the fact that I'm at the one place in the entire world I could do anything I wanted and I would still be accepted. I wanted to run into my mother's arms and cry for hours, but I knew in the end I would have just transferred all of my depression to her.

And I just can't do that to her.

Trying to be consoled by the one person I know is hurt more deeply than me seems like the most horrible thing in the world. I'm sure my boyfriend's noticed, since I keep snapping at him. My "religion" forbids excessive mourning, as it shows you "cannot accept God's decision," and the lesson was burned into me since I turned 7. In fact, I was taught that "each tear you cry will torture the deceased in his grave." I cried more when I got my first C in middle school than when my father died, too terrified to risk the stories being true.

I lost that outlet and can only find it when I'm too drunk to care I'm not supposed to cry.


And I am putting all the greasy-haired, raccoon-eyed 14 yr olds to shame with all this emo right now. giivvvvee meeee raaazzooorrrr

... okay, that probably wasn't funny considering the context right now.

Valentine's Day

I had a good time this year. Not only was I able to avoid going to work (I heard take-away was slammed again and didn't have anything to show for it), but I also woke up to find post-it notes on my wall, directing me to my valentine's day gift. I woke up to a scavenger hunt, planned by the bf. haha Cheesy, but still really thoughtful. I was cheesin' like shit. I got a first-aid kit, which was also really cute since I had mentioned one day that I really wanted one (....ya know, just to have).

I feel like the number of people with a vendetta against V-day is growing. With reasons like "the real Saint Valentine was a douche" or "you should celebrate love everyday, not just one day a year," I can't help but think the cynicism is really just coming from being lonely on V-day. I can maybe understand not liking the commercial aspect of it or not, since I love to shop, but it isn't nearly as commercial as Halloween or Christmas, and nobody really seems to complain about those holidays (besides traffic).

But I can agree with not limiting small gifts to just one day a year. And actually, I think the most thoughtful gifts are the ones that don't cost a lot of money. You could make anything romantic. Really, watch Knocked Up. As much of a deadbeat that Ben fellow was, he had a heart of gold.

In Japan (and apparently Korea), the Valentine's Day tradition entails women giving chocolates to the men they like or admire. If the guy accepts, he admits to liking the girl as well, so rejection is actually possible. You can reject a V-day gift (mean!). And one month later, White Day is where men return the favor, and give chocolates to the girls they like (or the girl that gave him chocolate on V-day?). I think the idea is cute, but the practice just looks like a nightmare. It would make the holidays wayyyy too stressful (not to mention expensive).

In South Korea, a month after White Day, Black Day is a day where all the men who didn't receive chocolates on V-day get together, cry and eat Jajangmyeon. I burst out laughing the first time I heard that, but that could actually be really fun. I also wonder if there's a Black Day for women? I guess not, since they seem to start the cycle of chocolate giving and receiving. ... and rejecting?