On Marriage

The topic came up at work the other day: Would you marry someone you haven't lived with?

I wasn't surprised by the number of people that answered no, but imo I don't see the connection.

"If you can't live together, you have no business getting married." I absolutely agree. If you can't live together, you really shouldn't be getting married -- but do you really need a trial run before you realize that?


If you're ready to marry someone, you should be willing to change your habits to accommodate your partner, and you should expect the same from him/her. I don't really believe in "trial marriages," as it was coined.



That being said, I have no problem with couples moving in together before they get married -- I'm just sayin' I don't think it's a necessary pre-step to marriage.

man. i really don't know why i have this thing lol i don't even like writing.

oh yeah

fuck you too, weather

Excuse my french.

Mahdi? Fuck you.
Cramps? Fuck you.
Olive Garden? Fuck you (but don't fire me).
American Red Cross? Fuck you.


I feel better now :D

Previously, on Lost...

I won't miss you.


May 28th

Went to the Olive Garden to check on my app, got hired on the spot, and had the rest of the day to celebrate. Jazzy and I planned on going to Marlon's party after work, and went to Remington's to pregame. I really really like Remington's. It's got a really nice vibe, karaoke, and a live DJ that kept spitting out hits that made everyone go nuts. By midnight, Remington's was overrun by Outback. EVERYbody was there, including Marlon and his "party gang." James acted like a huge creep the entire time, and I probably ended up hurting his feelings by rejecting him as harshly as I did.... but seriously, he was really close to crossing lines.

We smoked a lot that night, and Rachel joined in this time!! She talked about this thing called an "all-day fun-day" she was going to have with her best friend. The concept is you meet up with your best friend, and do whatever the hell you want or have always wanted to do --all day. I like that! I planned an all-day fun-day for Sunday. Rachel and Nick had this hilarious conversation in Creole, and Jazz and I nearly pissed ourselves laughing.

We ran into Nijel and Deon, and Jazzy and I decided to skip Marlon's party and instead go with Deo and Nijel to this strip club in New Carrollton.

Apparently "Sensations" isn't a good strip club, and Nijel's going to make me go to a better one sometime. lol I mean.. It sucked on the floor, and it sucked in VIP (Nijel bought us wristbands). I wish I had a book to read. But whatever. At least I can say I've been to a strip club. I didn't *hate* it, and I was still having a good time from Remingtons... but girls don't really turn me on, no matter how little they wear and no matter how hard they shake. I guess it was kind of cool watching the pole dancers, since they did some pretty impossible looking things with their bodies. Jazzy was in the same boat. "Whooooaaaa! How'd she do that? Wow. How'd she do that?"

In any case, if I do decide to go to that better strip club, Nijel's paying. There's no way I'm spending money on that again.


May 29

Drove Jasmine to the metro early, filled out the paperwork for the Olive Garden, then went to work. After work, Jazzy, Camille, J5 and I went to Marlon's house. Marlon played his album, and we had a blast picking out all the Outbackers freestyles. They have a lot of dance hits, which is pretty sweet. I was thinking about organizing some crazy freestyle battle with my coworkers and the undergrounduates....

But then, I was thinking a lot of crazy things. We hit 5 jays, and I chugged a "four loco." About 2 hours later, I was vomiting in Marlon's bathroom and passing out on a chair. I stayed down for a while, trying hard to sober up. Later, we went to IHOP and I had some pancakes. J5 and Jazz got a ride back home from IHOP, and I
somehow made it back home in one piece... fast enough to rush to the bathroom for my 5AM appt with the toilet. I threw up a lot that night.

May 30th

Despite having been blasted the night before, I got up around 9:45-10AM, ready and excited for the Six Flags trip. I wasn't hungover, and ended up having a great time. Jesse, Dave, Anika and I drove down to the park, rode a couple of rides and played in the waterpark for a bit. We dumpster-dived for lunch (I think we've degenerated quite a bit since last semester...), and even though we didn't spend much more than 4 hours at the park, we still had a lot of fun. The line to get our pictures taken for the season pass was super long, so we just skipped that. We're better off going early on a weekday to get that taken care of.

We got back to the house around 5, and while the house prepared for the BBQ they'd been planning, I drove down to the Outback to retrieve my bike. I finally opened those super soakers I got for my b-day and played a little bit at the restaurant. ;x After loitering around for a bit (and getting free quesadillas), I went back home for a short nap. Later, I drove back to the Outback Steakhouse to pick up Jasmine and J5. We came back to the house, smoked, drank and ate a bit, and then met up with more coworkers at Cornerstone.

I nursed two drinks for a couple of hours, weary from the night before and trying to stay sober enough to drive. I got hit on a looot, which made things really really uncomfortable for me. I don't wanna date anyone at all right now, and I was starting to get really annoyed with the boys. Apparently you can't have a good time unless you hook up with someone. I hope they learn soon that they can't do that with me.


After CStone closed, we went to the Diner (IHOP was taking really long to seat us). Another coworker paid for my food in exchange for crashing at my place (lol he didn't realize he could just crash at my place for free, and I didn't really care to tell him otherwise. Rachel got into an argument with the girl sitting behind her, which was kind of entertaining. Especially Camille, who has worked at Outback for a grand total of 3 days: "Oh, if she tries anything, I'm ready. I got on like 7 rings, AND I'm wearin' a hat." XD <3 I'm pretty sure Take-away adopted her.

After dinner/breakfast, we (J5, Jasmine, Damon and I) headed back to my place to finally get some sleep -- it was around 5 in the morning. I had sobered up a lot by then, so I felt much safer driving home. However, when we got to the house, Damon revealed that he was allergic to cats.

T________T

So we had to have J5 call his ride AGAIN, and pick them up.

Except that J5 was passed out on MY BED. lol there was no waking him either. I'm afraid he's convinced "I'm with him" and "he's with me." I crashed on the couch in my living room, not wanting to deal with any of that bullshit at 5 in the morning.

May 31st

Had orientation at the Olive Garden. Afterwards, Jasmine and I met up with James and Rachel at BWW. Afterward, Rachel went to work and James, Jazzy and I went to the new headshop that opened up in CP, the Bamboo Eater. I've actually met the owner before at Jayme Bell's b-day party -- we had a mini dance party while Arteest freestyled over Swayze. There were a lot of cool things at the headshop, and I plan on getting a gas-mask bong when they restock. They also have a lot of hookah and shisha. Jazzy got some rolling papers, a grinder, and some other things. After, I took her to Gbelt station, and smoked hookah at James house. We watched some Arrested Development, then I headed over to Mel's BBQ. Theo, Eli, Mek, Luis and Beri were already there when I arrived. We ate, played Apples to Apples and frisbee, then I ended up going to my mom's around 11.

;_;

Acne

HOW DO YOU GET RID OF IT.

I'm getting so frustrated with it! It doesn't go away! No matter how many times I visit the dermatologist, nothing changes! I've changed soaps more times than I can count, actually took some sort of "anti-bacteria" to help prevent build-up under the skin, but nothing works! I've thrown away old make-up, stopped using it even, but no!

It's definitely genetic (my mother said she had the worst break-outs), but if we can freakin' PRINT SKIN, then there MUST be some solution to acne.

Anyway, here's an updated pic of my hair. I had to get it trimmed again about a month ago (it was so lopsided).


So, it still kind of looks lopsided here... I dunno. I think one side of my head is curlier than the other.

update

*Just to note* -- cut off all hair on 4/09/2010.

Been feeling like my relationship has hit a serious wall. In the time we've lived together, my boyfriend and I grew too comfortable with each other. Further, little annoyances that I would've once been able to brush off have ended up becoming problems that have actually threatened our relationship. I kicked him out the other day after another little fight about him not respecting my wishes while using my laptop, and that ended up into a serious fight the next morning about staying in the relationship.

I told him that I needed space, especially since finals were quickly approaching, and he took that to mean I wanted to break up with him for three weeks (which is absurd).

Our dilemma drove me to start looking up intimacy problems on the internet. Lame, yes. I already know that the internet is not an incredibly viable source of information when it comes to relationships, but I did learn a few things that I didn't know before.

What intimacy means to me is not what intimacy means to my boyfriend, and this has become apparent in the months we've lived together.

To me, intimacy is closeness is heart, then body. I want a boyfriend I can talk to, someone who'll laugh with me, offer support when I need it, really, just be there when I really need someone. I want that person to make me feel beautiful, to forgive my lack of personality, to be able to argue with me peaceably. I want someone who I can also offer those things to. The closer I feel to that person, the more I'd wanna be with that person.

To him, intimacy is closeness in body, then heart -- or at least that's what the internet has been telling me. Physical intimacy alone is not enough, but has a different meaning to men than to women. There's never really been a time where I've been ready for sex and he wasn't, whereas there have been plenty of times where I've refused him. According to the internet, this is like "a slap to the face." And here's the dilemma. The more I refuse him, the less he tries to romance me. And the less he romances me, the more I want to refuse him.

So. How does one go about telling an immature boyfriend about these things? Or rather, do I need to change myself first?

..I think I'll do that.

take me away....from Take-Away

In October, I applied for a server position at the Outback Steakhouse, but was denied because I had no actual serving experience. Instead, I was offered a position as a To-Go employee, at the Outback's curbside take-away with the promise of being promoted to server in no less than 4 months.

Upon reaching month 8 with no sign of any promotion coming my way, I've come to the conclusion that the owner is full of shit and doesn't want to lose his "outstanding take-away team."

So, I have decided to apply as a server one more time, with the stipulation that if he refuses, I hand him my two-week notice.

Guess I should start applying to new jobs...

僕が甘い味のshishaを鋤いてコーヒーを飲みながら試験をとるというの人です．

I'm kind of bad with caring about take home exams....

tokidoki

" '...And yet I think my love more rare than any She belied with false compare.' I am yet your faithful fool. I love you past words."

I want to spoil you. <3

fml.

mom's getting a colonoscopy today, following another visit to the hospital. the lining in her stomach has swelled...

...i really hope it's just gas.

i'm kind of freaking out.

emo

*****

I decided to post this draft. I wrote it down, so it doesn't make sense not to post it. I wrote this down in February.

*****

I feel lost. I'm daydreaming - no, nightmaring all the time, even while driving. I don't know how to get rid of this stale depression, left over from two years of self pity and longing for something I can't put a name to. Won't put a name to. I hope writing this down will help me vent lest I break something I can't replace.

I visited my mother today, to try and keep my mind off of things I don't want on my mind. To take comfort in the fact that I'm at the one place in the entire world I could do anything I wanted and I would still be accepted. I wanted to run into my mother's arms and cry for hours, but I knew in the end I would have just transferred all of my depression to her.

And I just can't do that to her.

Trying to be consoled by the one person I know is hurt more deeply than me seems like the most horrible thing in the world. I'm sure my boyfriend's noticed, since I keep snapping at him. My "religion" forbids excessive mourning, as it shows you "cannot accept God's decision," and the lesson was burned into me since I turned 7. In fact, I was taught that "each tear you cry will torture the deceased in his grave." I cried more when I got my first C in middle school than when my father died, too terrified to risk the stories being true.

I lost that outlet and can only find it when I'm too drunk to care I'm not supposed to cry.


And I am putting all the greasy-haired, raccoon-eyed 14 yr olds to shame with all this emo right now. giivvvvee meeee raaazzooorrrr

... okay, that probably wasn't funny considering the context right now.

Valentine's Day

I had a good time this year. Not only was I able to avoid going to work (I heard take-away was slammed again and didn't have anything to show for it), but I also woke up to find post-it notes on my wall, directing me to my valentine's day gift. I woke up to a scavenger hunt, planned by the bf. haha Cheesy, but still really thoughtful. I was cheesin' like shit. I got a first-aid kit, which was also really cute since I had mentioned one day that I really wanted one (....ya know, just to have).

I feel like the number of people with a vendetta against V-day is growing. With reasons like "the real Saint Valentine was a douche" or "you should celebrate love everyday, not just one day a year," I can't help but think the cynicism is really just coming from being lonely on V-day. I can maybe understand not liking the commercial aspect of it or not, since I love to shop, but it isn't nearly as commercial as Halloween or Christmas, and nobody really seems to complain about those holidays (besides traffic).

But I can agree with not limiting small gifts to just one day a year. And actually, I think the most thoughtful gifts are the ones that don't cost a lot of money. You could make anything romantic. Really, watch Knocked Up. As much of a deadbeat that Ben fellow was, he had a heart of gold.

In Japan (and apparently Korea), the Valentine's Day tradition entails women giving chocolates to the men they like or admire. If the guy accepts, he admits to liking the girl as well, so rejection is actually possible. You can reject a V-day gift (mean!). And one month later, White Day is where men return the favor, and give chocolates to the girls they like (or the girl that gave him chocolate on V-day?). I think the idea is cute, but the practice just looks like a nightmare. It would make the holidays wayyyy too stressful (not to mention expensive).

In South Korea, a month after White Day, Black Day is a day where all the men who didn't receive chocolates on V-day get together, cry and eat Jajangmyeon. I burst out laughing the first time I heard that, but that could actually be really fun. I also wonder if there's a Black Day for women? I guess not, since they seem to start the cycle of chocolate giving and receiving. ... and rejecting?

/emo

Or at least the /wristtiemz part.

School's keeping me busy. I cut work hours for the semester, so I'll be going from broke to even more broke.

I really miss my high school friends. It's been too long since I've seen them, and even longer since we've hung out together. =[ This is probably my fault for disappearing, "nesting" even, but I'm determined to change that!! I don't wanna feel like I replaced all my high school friends with college.

my heart hurts. i feel like i'm going to throw up.

update

Lately, I've been getting this feeling that I've lost something but have absolutely no idea what it is. That nagging, frustrating feeling that you *know* you should've done something, but you just can't remember what. And for some reason, every time I get that weird feeling, I go shopping.

I don't really understand it, but after looking back at all the purchases I've made this past week alone, I'm starting to think that I might have some sort of ...problem. And I hesitate to say it because it might just be a classic case of dealing with stress through retail therapy.... but am I really stressed? I have no reason to be. I guess I have been snapping a lot more recently... So do I really have a problem? Or has mass marketing and lace and shoes won my life? looks like it


In other news, I went to the eye doctor yesterday day. It was the second time I was told my optic nerve was strange-looking, which would put me at a higher risk for developing glaucoma. Which is actually pretty terrifying. Statistics show that not only are African-Americans at a higher risk of developing the disease, but so are women. I'm a black woman with a history of glaucoma in my family.

What is glaucoma? Well, I used to be a science major for a reason -- I am a nerd, and love reading about diseases and shit. I just don't care enough about people to wanna cure them. ...and fuck orgo.

Pretty much, glaucoma is a disease that damages your optic nerve, which usually leads to blindness. The nerve damage comes from increased intraocular pressure in the anterior chamber angle, generated from the production and drainage of aqueous humour fluids through the trabecular meshwork. In open-angle glaucoma, attributed with slower, more gradual vision loss, there's a slow build up of the fluid in the anterior chamber angle, caused by some blockage in Schlemm's canal, resulting in increased intraocular pressure. This is what I probably have.

Currently, there are only ways to stop the progression of vision loss - medications (if caught early), and surgery.

/nerdrant

Anywho, I bought new glasses. They're so hideous, I love them. Pics next post.

Doctors. Fuck 'em.

Hospital visit:
Chest infection, bronchitis.
Only mom knows best.

It seems the only thing that can cure any of my illnesses is my mom's home remedies. I went to the hospital a few days ago, and was diagnosed with bronchitis (again) and a chest infection. They gave me four different prescriptions, including an inhaler (wtf?) and a note excusing me from work for two days. I took the drugs as instructed for two days, but so far my only result has been throwing up at a Pho place in Germantown. Twice.

So I got dropped off at my mama's. I've only been home for about 12 hours, and I've already stopped coughing, regained a bit of my appetite, and have completely stopped wheezing. All she did was force this goopy..porridge thing down my throat, and demand I swallow a teaspoon of "habat al soda," a rather suspicious looking black powder. Some sort of crushed seed, I'm sure. Or at least I don't *think* I swallowed a teaspoonful of coal...

Anyway, that stuff did wonders. I still haven't fully regained my appetite, and the only thing I really feel safe eating is the porridge stuff and Gatorade (is it in you? there's about 3 liters in me), but I still feel muuuch better than I did last night.

I feel like I could recover fully with my mom's methods, but she's still making me take the antibiotics and Tussionex (super sleep-inducing cough medicine).

In other news, I went a little crazy with my purchases last week. I managed to blow about $400 in just a few days. x___x;

SO to prevent any future sprees, I'm opening a new savings account and transferring all funds minus rent and food to it. I'm a lot more responsible with money when I have less on my hands to deal with.

That's actually not a bad new year's resolution:

• I will be more responsible with my money.

And, because I have to:

• I will take better care of my body.

No more late night drinking, no more days full of junk food... More vitamins, more vegetables, more fruit, more exercise. D: (.... = less weight?)

K. The tussionex is kicking in. I was going to try and go back to my house sometime in the next hour, but I guess that'll have to wait until I wake up. goodnight!

i hate the world today

that's all.